While I sit here not knowing what to do next since I have all this free time (I only have two more finals to take and they aren’t particularly hard ones), I keep asking what I should do. I’m so accustomed to always having work, always having something to do or go to, and now that I’m basically free from school work… it feels foreign. I looked up things to do with your free time and the same thing kept coming up “meditate”. I’ve been having such rushed sessions and been blaming this on my school work, but now that I have time to, I feel like I should be doing something else. I have another class I’m taking over the summer and already started to look for what I need for the class, I also started to job search even though I already have one full-time job over the summer.
For some reason I can’t just take time to myself and meditate. I know I should and that it would make me feel so much better, but Mara keeps getting the best of me and I go and find another excuse not to. I keep telling myself “I’m not in the mood to” or “I don’t have the time because I need to work or study”. It’s really discouraging and I honestly want to just give up and not be bothered, but at the same time I know that I can do this and I just have to be gentle with myself and not get too frustrated. I’ve slacked off a lot with trying to develop compassion for myself. I keep telling myself to be stronger in certain situations and to just get over it, even though I know better than that. I started this blog to keep my motivation high while I have these moments of doubts. I feel like it is a personal struggle but at the same time I want to ask for help, but I’m not sure who to ask. Who exactly do I go to and ask “Why can’t I stay motivated, how do I fix this?”.
Even just acknowledging that I’m making excuses and not putting everything I’ve got into meditating makes me so infuriated. I know that I’m better than this and I’m just taking the lazy way out. At the same time though, I keep reminding myself to not be frustrated with myself. The only way I can describe it is like a war inside my head that I just keep pushing to the side because I don’t want to deal with it. I have “other” things to worry about when in reality these are just more excuses.