I know that I haven’t been on here in almost a year. I became so busy and tied up with my everyday life that I neglected my well being. This past year has had so many turns and I became so angry and frustrated. I had a bout of Lyme Disease that kept me off my feet for about 3 months, then I finally got to the bottom of my kidney issues. With both of these ailments I decided that it would be a good idea to rest for a long time to allow my body to heal. This also came with expected weight gain and low self esteem.
My mental health also had many ups and downs throughout this year. I have not been meditating and have been putting so much effort into my school work that I have forgotten to take care of my emotional and mental well being. I went through a low but came out of it, but I am still working on getting to a better place.
I finally did make it Ireland, and to the Cliffs of Moher. I got to mediate there and feel the ocean breeze on my face and feel it whip my hair around. I got to sit and feel the lush grass and smell the fragrance of the many wildflowers that outlined the coast. It was worth all the working and time spent nannying and at the pharmacy. Unfortunately, I was unable to make any close friends given my mental state. I did get to spend time with some locals, which was really special and a part of the reason I wanted to travel.
I’m going to try to be more active on here and try to slowly make my way back to who I used to be a year ago. I know that everything that happens in life is apart of growing, but I want to get back to a place of comfort before I willingly put myself out of my comfort zone.
I know that I have not posted in almost a month. To be honest I have been so busy with my life that I have not found time to sit down and write, let alone meditate. Thankfully though I start a nanny-ing job tomorrow and the one kid I am watching is very interested in meditating, so I will be teaching them how to and practicing with them. I will also be stating a job as a pharmacy technician tomorrow as well.
The main reason that I am working so much is so I will be able to pay for my study abroad to Ireland come next school year. I am so excited and can not wait to actually go there and experience everything it has to offer.
I have been doing well and being consistent with taking care of my body. I have lost some weight and getting stronger each day. I also know how important it is to listen to my body as well and give it a day to rest, both physically and mentally. I am enjoying this summer so much already because I know that I am growing in many different ways as a person. Even though I have not been consistently practicing, I can still feel myself growing.
These last couple days have been the most peaceful I’ve ever had. I’ve been taking care of my body and mind, and also paying close attention to how I have been feeling mentally. I also spent a couple of the days with my boyfriend and spent some time with him in nature. We came across two baby groundhogs that were sick, so we carefully scooped them up and brought them to a wildlife sanctuary where they are being cared for and treated. They were brothers and I named them Chubby and Winston.
A lot of people gave me some odd looks when I told them that I had held them and brought them to receive care. My question to them was, “If you were sick and not feeling well and could barely move, wouldn’t you want to be cared for?”. I understand that they are wild animals and obviously I can not know how they are truly feeling, but they both were sick and have a hard time breathing and deserved a chance.
Being kind to other beings doesn’t just mean humans. It’s any other living thing that you may encounter in your life. I try to have empathy for everything living being that I come across, so when I saw Chubby and Winston I couldn’t help be get them to a place where they will be cared for and treated. Obviously they were not to thrilled to be picked up and placed in a car, but once they were snuggled up in some blankets with a heating pad at the sanctuary they seemed to calm down and started to rest.
I haven’t posted in a while since I really have been taken time to myself. I have been going to the gym more and eating healthier and seeing friends and just relaxing. My summer class has started and I don’t think it is going to be very hard and I sit next to my childhood best friend that I haven’t talk to in some time.
I will be honest, I haven’t been meditating lately, mostly since I have been so busy, but I know that I’ve just been using that as an excuse. I know I made this blog in order to help keep my motivation up over the summer, but a friend of mine really wants to try to meditate to help with their anxiety and asked me to show them how. I was more than happy to help them and over the summer I will be teaching them how to practice in hopes that it will reduce their anxiety.
I spent the last four days with my boyfriend since I don’t get to see him often because of work and distance. It was the best four days of the summer so far and I got to meet his family, all of which were very nice, and play soccer with him. Even he commented that I seemed more relaxed and happy since I have been taking time to myself. I need to start a schedule and really put time aside to meditate. I do it all the time for the gym, so why can’t I do it for my practice. I”m no longer stressed with a bunch of college classes, so theoretically I should have a bunch of time to practice, but yet again I am making excuses.
I’m finally home and done with college till next fall. I am taking a summer class but it is only a month-long. Now that I have some free time from studying, I’m going to take some time to myself. I’m going to read, go back to the gym, meditate, and look into finding a second job for the summer. I’m going to take care of myself and put some time aside to really focus on meditating and being gentle with myself. This past semester was really hard for me when it came to accepting who I was in that moment. I was constantly getting frustrated and bashing myself when I wasn’t able to do something that I used to. These next couple months I want to be able to be ok with accepting myself even though I may not be meeting my own expectations. This summer I’ll start again on becoming comfortable with letting go and accepting things that occur in my life, no matter what they may be.
While I sit here not knowing what to do next since I have all this free time (I only have two more finals to take and they aren’t particularly hard ones), I keep asking what I should do. I’m so accustomed to always having work, always having something to do or go to, and now that I’m basically free from school work… it feels foreign. I looked up things to do with your free time and the same thing kept coming up “meditate”. I’ve been having such rushed sessions and been blaming this on my school work, but now that I have time to, I feel like I should be doing something else. I have another class I’m taking over the summer and already started to look for what I need for the class, I also started to job search even though I already have one full-time job over the summer.
For some reason I can’t just take time to myself and meditate. I know I should and that it would make me feel so much better, but Mara keeps getting the best of me and I go and find another excuse not to. I keep telling myself “I’m not in the mood to” or “I don’t have the time because I need to work or study”. It’s really discouraging and I honestly want to just give up and not be bothered, but at the same time I know that I can do this and I just have to be gentle with myself and not get too frustrated. I’ve slacked off a lot with trying to develop compassion for myself. I keep telling myself to be stronger in certain situations and to just get over it, even though I know better than that. I started this blog to keep my motivation high while I have these moments of doubts. I feel like it is a personal struggle but at the same time I want to ask for help, but I’m not sure who to ask. Who exactly do I go to and ask “Why can’t I stay motivated, how do I fix this?”.
Even just acknowledging that I’m making excuses and not putting everything I’ve got into meditating makes me so infuriated. I know that I’m better than this and I’m just taking the lazy way out. At the same time though, I keep reminding myself to not be frustrated with myself. The only way I can describe it is like a war inside my head that I just keep pushing to the side because I don’t want to deal with it. I have “other” things to worry about when in reality these are just more excuses.
“We can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion. This, then, is my true religion, my simple faith. In this sense, there is no need for temple or church, for mosque or synagogue, no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine or dogma. Our own […]